Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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