Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
