I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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