a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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