Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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