ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
