We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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