So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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