what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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