DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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