I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
