How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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