Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
