i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
