I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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