We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize