When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
