I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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