My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
