When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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