I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
