i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize