Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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