So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize