Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Buhtt sex?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
