i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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