anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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