Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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