I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
