Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
