dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
