we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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