Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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