he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
