OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
