What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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