My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
