that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
