i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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