Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
