I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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