you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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