Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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