my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
