did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
