the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
