Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am available for nakedness
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
