i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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