I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
