im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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