If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
