I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
