i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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