kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
