My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
