my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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