i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
